But, today I really wanted to take the time to share my thoughts about this morning. Our library offers a summer reading program and since Paisley isn't receiving any services this summer, I'd thought it'd be a good social thing to help avoid regression. The program is a little over an hour long so I wasn't sure how long she would last, but I thought I'd try anyway. Today was the first day of the program; we walked in and I checked the girls in. I briefly explained to the librarian that Paisley has autism and that if she gets disruptive, we may have to leave early. The librarian was trying to be nice, but appeared very skeptical. I tried to overlook the "tone" (and in the end, she really was very nice about everything). From there we went upstairs and participated in the first part of the story and the "science project"...but when it was time for the second half of the story, Paisley had enough and we had to leave early. All in all, I counted it as a success because we stayed a good 45 minutes. Although I was pleased with the experience, there were a few observations that I concluded:
1. I am more uncomfortable than Paisley is in social situations--I tend to be very protective of her, so I am constantly on edge as to how people are going to perceive her, whether they are going to make fun of her, and if they're going to be mean. I am on "mama bear guard" the entire time we're in public. I'm also hypervigilant in paying attention to the sensory aspects of the environment...is it overstimulating? Too loud? Too unstructured? Too unpredictable? However, no matter how nervous and uncomfortable I get in a crowd, it must be done to improve Paisley's social skills. It is emotionally exhausting for me (and for Paisley, too)....but being so, even if I don't see positive results or benefits today, that doesn't mean they won't be there in 5 or 10 years.
2. My thought processes have shifted--When we used to go out in public, I would get my feelings hurt and feel embarrassed about how people responded to Paisley. These days I am still uncomfortable, but my discomfort comes from protection, not hurt and embarrassment. To me, this is a huge step in personal growth on my part. My sister has ALWAYS told me I care way too much what others think, and she is right. I have made leaps and strides in this department, and I no longer care if people judge who Paisley is (or my parenting skills) before they know the situation. She is who she is and if they can't accept it, they are missing out on one of God's most amazing creations! Not accepting Paisley would be like if people didn't like a rainbow because it's different from the typical blue and white sky. It's sad for them, not me.
3. Claire's grace-- Claire is a beautiful person to watch. She is so wonderful with Paisley and she has so much grace and patience that it blows me away. I was so worried this morning that Claire would be upset over having to leave early or me having to step out of the room if Paisley got upset. When I talked to her about it, she just said "It's okay mom. I understand." She is four, you guys. Four. When I think of the love and care she gives to her sister, I just want to break down over it. She gets held back from soooo many things because we are limited in what Paisley can tolerate, and yet she never complains about it. I just cannot comprehend. She gets the short end of the stick (especially with my patience) so many times it's unreal. It's not fair to her. But, her unconditional love astounds me. I cannot wait to see what her future holds. She is truly a special gift to our family.
At this point of the blog, you might be thinking "Wow. All this over a tiny window of time reading a Dr. Seuss book?" Yes. When you live with autism on a daily basis, nothing is ever just a face value experience. A trip is never just a trip. There's always an experience to grow from.
