The Wonders of Gel

The other day I was talking to the husband about the difficulty I was having with my tennis shoes.  The outer part of the shoe was fine, but the inside was ridiculous.  I had pretty much worn the insole down to the rubber, and when you looked inside the shoe, you could see ball, heel, and toe indentations in the sole.  So, he says "why don't you get some of those gel insoles?  I love mine!!"  Huh??  Aren't those for old people?  I was seriously contemplating just buying a new pair of shoes, but I already had to buy new work shoes because my other work shoes literally fell apart (I have trouble with change...).  It would NEVER occur to me to even look at those things.

Ultimately, out of desperation, I whisked myself off to the store and began studying the gel insole options.  About five different people gave me very confused looks when they saw me looking at the insoles and realized I was under the age of 85.  (Not really...that's just my imagination getting to me).  I decided on the off brand that Target sells because they were about $5 cheaper than Dr. Scholls.  It's a "one size fits most".  I brought them home, read the directions, cut them to fit perfectly inside my shoes and BAM!  Super comfort!!

I am 98% positive this is going to be a life-changing event for me.  I think my shoes are actually more comfy than they were the first day I bought them!!  I seriously can't believe the change.  I warn you, though--it's not a perfect solution.  Once in awhile, my feet do make a slight squeak when I step.  However, this might be resolved if I were to get new laces so I could tighten the shoe, so as to avoid a negligible slip.  The insoles also make it a bit warmer down there, but no worries since it's winter.  I may have to update when summer hits, but for now, I am able to tolerate these minor side effects.

Comparatively, it's like walking on astroturf, or a cushiony gym/yoga mat.  It's so wonderful!!  I've tested most scenarios at length to ensure my endorsement before writing.  I've walked, jogged, and ran in them.  I've attempted Wii Just Dance 3 with them, and I've done a yoga pose and a lunge with them.  I did NOT jump rope in them because I do not recommend this activity past the age of 10....(see previous post regarding this topic).  In fact, I'm probably going to wear these little gems in all of my shoes for the rest of my life.  And so it goes...I am now a hard core believer in gel insoles.  Don't judge. ;)

 

Early Voting Day!!

Before work and before play

I'm off to early vote today.

Obama or Romney,

who will it be?

How will I know

who's the right candidate for me?

I've read and I've watched

and tried to make sense 

But, somehow, the more I try to find answers

the more I feel dense.

Will I vote for a man based on morals and beliefs?

Will I vote based on healthcare or foreign policy?  

Truthfully, no one will know
who I vote for but ME, 

Because I'm old school and think
voting is a matter of privacy!!

   

My Granny

I'm sitting up, unable to get to sleep tonight because thoughts of my granny keep swarming through my mind.  I'm pretty sure that Wilma Joyce Brunson had an impact on everyone she encountered.  She's a fine example that if you DO pay attention to the "small stuff" in life, it can pay off in all the ways that truly count.

Quick rant:  Honestly, I still can't wrap my head around this whole thing.  And...I think it's so ironic that my granny, the "germaphobe" who has been completely healthy her entire life, contracted such life threatening illnesses in such a short time.  Seriously, it pisses me off to no end.  I don't want to blame God, but I'm not afraid to admit I'm extremely irritated with Him about not letting her stay with us longer.  Selfish, I know.  

Anyhow, since I really don't know how to cope, I thought I'd just share some things about Granny that I loved in order to process my thoughts a little better.  One thing that really impressed me about her was that she always spoke to people.  She never believed or acted as if she was any better than anyone else.  I NEVER saw her try to belittle anyone or make any person that she interacted with not feel important.  That small gesture is so huge...and so rare.  

Also, I love her cooking.  No one on this planet can make turkey and dressing as good as her!!  How I wish I could have it one more time!  I LOVE the fact that she didn't laugh, she cackled....and she did it a lot.  I love how she always discussed diets with me.  I love how she spoke truthfully what was on her mind, and did it plainly.  However, I'm inclined to believe that she might've lied more often if she could have gotten away with it.  She was a terrible liar....you could always tell when she didn't approve of something.  I love how she always twisted her wedding ring with her thumb when she was talking.  I love her smile.  I love her "roll call".....which is going through everyone else in the family before she finally gets to the right person's name that she's wanting.  I love that she went to church all the time.  I love how she loved her family and told me on more than a few occasions that she was proud of all of us.  I love that she asked about my childhood friends.  I love that she wanted all her family to get along, which is a challenging task...given the personalities in our family. ;-)  I love that she told me on a family trip one time when I was a kid that "Louisiana is a dirty state" and wouldn't let me touch anything when we got out at a rest stop.  Ha!  I don't know where she got that, but it still makes me smile...and I still think about it when anyone mentions the state.  I love how she put down 3lbs of toilet paper around the seat in public bathrooms.  I love how, for 33 years, she has taken the time out of her life to give me a birthday card and would go to great lengths to be sure she got it to me on time.  It really meant the world to me.  I love how, for some reason, she always put an accent mark on top of my "e" at the end of my name.  I love how she called sodas/cokes a "cold drink".  I love how she made all men that ate at her table put a shirt on.  I love how she was fairly well off, but loved a good bargain, and always dressed conservatively.  I love that she always took up for Jim, the hairstylist.  I love that she drove a car that always seemed too big for her to maneuver.  I love how she put her family before herself.

Well, I could go on and on all night about things I love and will miss about my granny, but really what it boils down to, most of all, is I love how she loved me.

Observation

I've never really sat down and actually thought about what I want for my children as a parent.  When Paisley was born, we were just so happy that she was healthy and that we got to keep her here on earth with us for however long we get.  Then, as she got to be about a year old, the shock of being a parent wore off, and we started making goals for her....good grades, the best colleges, prestigious career, picking a wonderful spouse, etc.  All of that was put on hold, however, when we got the autism diagnosis.  Now, our biggest goal is to get her to talk and to make sure she's successful in kindergarten. ;)

Claire came along about 3 years after Pais was born, and our biggest goal for her, too, was to talk.  It's a tough thing to admit, but with Claire, we're just so happy that she doesn't show any signs of being on the spectrum, we haven't thought much past that.  It's the truth.

I started thinking more about goals after we attended an autism seminar a few weeks ago.  This particular seminar addressed not only concerns related to autism, but also concerns of the effects on siblings.  I really appreciated that.  The focus was getting everyone through the school years and still trying to maintain their emotional health in the process.  That's challenging for "normal" families!!  Perhaps the comment that really impacted me the most was from Tony Attwood commenting on possible benefits of homeschooling.  He said "Children only have one childhood....but they have their whole life to learn!  I think it's more important for a kid to have a fulfilling and happy childhood, than to be stuck in a school and miserable from teasing.  They can learn anytime and anywhere in life, but they can't go back to their childhood."  It just hit me in a profound way.  He wasn't advocating homeschooling, he was just saying that schooling isn't the most important thing because it'll come...the child's emotional health should be the primary focus.

I'm not sure about anything anymore as a parent.  I'm not sure what's right or wrong, if I'm handling things well or poorly, if I'm too hard on Claire (because she does have a LOT of responsibilities pressed on her..even at two), etc.  However, the one observation that I keep hearing over and over again is "Paisley is such a happy kid!...Paisley just seems so happy all the time.....She's always smiling and content..."  Things like that.  It used to not be enough.  After that seminar, though, I realized that Paisley being happy really IS a big deal, and if I can help provide an environment to help her continue in that happiness, I will have done my job as a parent.  I mean, if you think about it, the happiest kids are kids that have structure, healthy boundaries, and properly disciplined when needed in order to know limits and how the world works.

Yesterday, I got the same compliment about Claire.  The lady at Hobby Lobby after asking how old Claire is, said "Wow!  She's so happy for a two year old!"  Now that, for sure, was a MAJOR compliment!!  Claire is the typical 2 yr old, and she has moments that will put us all in the grave, but the older she gets (and the more I become aware of my own attitude and the need to work on ME), the more content and peaceful she is.  I sometimes forget that Claire is just as impacted by the autism as I am...or Michael.  She has a tough road ahead of her, too.  And, yes, if Paisley is a happy kid, that's awesome.  But, truthfully, the bigger challenge lies with Claire.  She's not naive about life and has an overwhelming awareness of people, places, emotions, etc.  She doesn't have the gift of oblivion that comes with autism.  So, the fact that someone saw Claire yesterday and stated that SHE was a happy kid??  Wow.  That's the best!  It's really the only goal I need for the girls presently, and now that it's being achieved, I hope to keep it maintained.      

Salute to Mountain Dew

I feel the need to recognize whoever created Mountain Dew.  I think if we can establish Columbus Day as a bank holiday, someone should do something about national recognition for Mountain Dew.

If you think this is extreme, look more closely.  Mountain Dew is my solution for anything!!  It has been there for me through all the major milestones in life.  It sits up with me at night and sustains me through the inevitable bouts of sleep deprivation; it's comforted in my all-time lows; it's celebrated with me in my proudest moments.  It truly is my source of solace, comfort, and pleasure.  You can make ANY day better by chugging a Dew!  It's similar to chocolate in that way...except better.  

No doubt about it....Mountain Dew is close to God.  I love it, long for it, and crave it.  Daily.  It's awesome. It's love.

Add Mountain Dew to a morning routine,

And you're off to a great start.

It'll be there to comfort you, 

It'll get close to your heart.

It's lemony-lime and sugary fizz

It's caffeine content will make you a whiz

It's the best you're gonna get 

as far as cokes go.

So, go ahead and chug one,

and let the world know.

Ode to Mountain Dew, 

It will ALWAYS be there for me

So, my friend, in return 

Loyal to it, I will forever be!!  

Burnout

I've known since 7th grade that I wanted to be a counselor.  That's right....at the age of 13...about a year and a half after I became a Christian.  There's really not any reason why I would've decided that.  I had never been to a counselor before, I didn't come from a broken home, I didn't have any major "issues"...in fact, my life was fairly simple.  I felt it was just kind of predetermined...if you will.

As you can imagine, it was easy enough to pick a major, stick to it, and focus on the goal of finishing college.  Now, I can see how huge of a blessing that was to have such focus back then.  I just thought everyone kind of already knew what they were to be.  I realize now that I was in the minority.  My life took a few unexpected turns during the process...I initially started out at Howard Payne University, got engaged, broke the engagement (thank God for that one!!!), and ended up at Ouachita Baptist University.  I could say that I wish I had just been able to pick the "right" college for myself from the get-go, but that would be unfair.  I have met some of the dearest and most wonderful people in my life from both institutions. I was incredibly blessed by my college experience, and yet, incredibly naive, due to those blessings! Ha! :)

It didn't take long to be in a public education setting (UT-Tyler) to shatter my little illusion of people being wonderful, kind, etc.  I can think of 1 or 2 professors that I really enjoyed from that place, but most of the time I hated school...and by the end of my 60 hr course, I was almost convinced I didn't really want to be a counselor at all.  Again, no regrets, because I met some of my dearest friends there, too.  I also learned the art of pulling together in the midst of extreme stress from post-grad experiences.  If I didn't have my friends/colleagues from UTT as such an awesome support network, I seriously would've given up.  Who needs Guantanamo Bay??  Just leave the terrorists to the antics of Dr. Mears and Dr. Love and I guarantee you...they will crack.  I applied at several different places upon graduation that were counseling-related, despite my reluctance to pursue this type of career.  I actually ended up in a small private practice environment accumulating internship hours (3000---omg!) with a quirky little LPC Supervisor that had an extremely dry sense of humor.  It was a pretty good match, even though I thought I'd die before I got all those hours in!  I understand now why it took me forever to accrue those hours, and why I was placed there instead of a 40hr week treatment/MHMR setting.  I cannot imagine doing anything else and still be able to give Paisley the help she needs without the flexible schedule.

Fast forward several years, and I am still in private practice, and I really do love it.  It is my passion, and other than being a stay-at-home mom, I can't imagine doing anything else.  It's perfect.  I schedule clients when I can, take off when I need to, have the flexibility of traveling back and forth to Dallas, and get to do what I feel like I'm supposed to do.  For the most part, I feel extremely blessed to have the opportunity to go to work everyday for myself and get paid to do what I enjoy doing--helping people.  

SOOOO.....why am I feeling so frustrated lately?  Why do I just want to rip into apathetic, disrespectful, and selfish people?  Why do I wake up in the mornings that I have to go to work and just want to scream my head off?  What on earth is my problem???  One word:  BURNOUT.  I've been thinking about it all summer, and I feel ridiculous even  stating that I am burned out.  After all, I'm not even there full-time, and it's not that bad once I get there...and I enjoy the people that I work with.  In the past few weeks, I've come to realize it's not the job, per se, it's the circumstances of the job.  It's how managed care has reared it's ugly head, it's how people's thoughtless ways of no-showing directly impact my pocketbook, and really it's just the frustration of give, give, give, and never knowing the outcome of the process.  I really don't want a pat on the back; I have never been one to search for recognition. Honestly, I just want my work to reflect and glorify God, and bring Him satisfaction....because other than that, what's the point?  Lately, it has not even been close to that.  I have been bitter about people taking advantage of "the system", bitter about trying to teach parents how to work with their children and help them, all the while the parents are texting on their cell phones not paying any mind to what I say, annoyed with people that complain about how they have no food for themselves or their children, yet have perfectly manicured and pedicured nails, have nicer phones than myself, etc.  GRR!!  Ummm....yeah, can you see why my attitude has not necessarily glorified God in my work lately??  

That brings me to today.  Today,  I had 8 people scheduled on the books.  My husband dropped my daughter off for her first day of kindergarten.  I missed it because I went to work.  I saw a total of 3 out of 8 people.  All of my clients after 1:00 either no showed or late cancelled...with my last client being at 5:00...who no showed.  Because I was trying to "be there" for someone else...that obviously feels their life and time is WAY more important than mine and can't take 5 seconds to make a mere phone call, I missed being able to pick my daughter up from her first day of kindergarten.  Pointless.  I'm just so tired of it.  What a waste of time and energy.  Energy that could be expended doing important things...like picking up Paisley from school on her first official day.  I feel sad, angry, disappointed, and frustrated.  Oh, and let's not forget that if people don't show up, I don't get paid.  That's the curse of having a private practice.  So when I mean wasted time, that's exactly what it was....I will not get reimbursed for the time I set aside special for the clients because they ASKED for my help, and I was willing to oblige, and then they totally just blew it off. So, here I am at 2:00 A.M. still ranting about it in my mind and asking God how much longer He'd have me deal with this crap because I am tired of humans.  Actually, I am sick to death of them.

His reply:  Isaiah 50:4 "The Soverign LORD has given me his words of wisdom, so that I know how to comfort the weary.  Morning by morning He wakens me and opens my understanding to His will." (NLT).  Well, there I have it.  Double dang. I'm stuck here for awhile.  But you know what?  I honestly don't want to give up.  I really do want to get back to that passion of serving God and serving people through my work.  However, people make it very difficult. ;)  I do find it humbling that God has put me in this position.  I often feel completely unequipped, unsure, and unglued.  But, maybe part of avoiding burnout is just the reassurance that God really does have me where He wants me for now.  There are ups and downs to every job....and I can deal with that, but when it feels like the down is significantly more than the up, it becomes confusing and complicated to remain at peace with what you're doing.  In effect, I brought this point to God through my seeking tonight, and was quickly reminded that a lot of times I've "no-showed" on Him.  Many times I've not been paying attention when He's trying to teach me something important.  More often than I'd like to admit, I've been arrogant and selfish; in return, God has been patient.  The moral of this little "story"---I will continue to be a counselor until God tells me different.  And, I will choose to be content about it and hope that God will continue to choose me (albeit completely undeserving) to help further His work.  I am definitely pleased with my gift of discernment.  It has served me well in life.  On good days, I do enjoy passing it along to clients.  The gift of hospitality, on the other hand...severely lacking in that area. ;)  

So from now on, when I have days like this and feel completely discouraged and agitated with people, I will try to remember these things before I get to the "want-to-go-postal-and-spit-fire-at-all-mankind" point.  I will refer back to the Old Testament and thank God that I didn't get Jeremiah's job.  Now that dude had a bad time with people and their lack of listening skills.  Heehee!! ;)                  

Jumping Rope Post Puberty

It's official.  I am desperate for change.  So, what does one do when desperate for change?  Apparently, if you're me, you join Weight Watchers online.  I figure if I pay enough money, it'll motivate me to reap some kind of benefit.  I am the ultimate cheapskate.

So, prattling along this WW website, I stumbled across this post where someone was asking how to get in shape without paying for a gym membership or buying any fancy schmancy equipment, doesn't take a ton of time, yet still getting rave results.  This health guru or exercise expert (I don't really remember what she was), said something about a couple of hand weights, a resistance band, and a jump rope.  Suddenly, the light bulb came on for me!!  Why have I never thought of a jump rope???  Off to Academy I went!! (Well, actually two weeks later I went...when I got around to it. :)  Ha!)

This past Friday, I was home with the kiddos, and I decided to get this "mug of a jump rope" out and give it a whirl.  Here's the thing....my experience of jumping rope ends in elementary school where we did those "Jump Rope for Heart" awareness PE classes.  So, I haven't officially jumped rope since I was about 9 years old.  No biggie, though, right??  Should be like riding a bike!  Well, well, well.  That could not be further from the truth.

It honestly NEVER occurred to me that I was like a billion pounds heavier than I was at 9 (and I was a pretty solid 9 yr old).  Not only that, but I also have these big bulging squish ball looking things protruding from my chest called breasts that tend to flop without so much as a bounce when I walk.  GRR!!  So, you can imagine how it went.  The first jump, the rope did get under my feet, but I am telling you...when I jumped up that 2 inches to get the rope under my feet and then came back down, it was like I was a boulder or ship anchor crashing down on the floor.  I happened to be in my kitchen, so I immediately thanked God for the tile not cracking due to impact.  Unbelievable.  Tried it again.  Same occurrence (why did I expect it to be different??).  I should mention this whole time the kids are watching.  My two year old keeps repeating "what you doing mom? what you doing?", and my nonverbal five year old is looking at me in awe.  I'm pretty sure if I read her thoughts correctly, she was thinking "what on earth is this wackadoo thinking??  Mom has completely lost it this time!!".  I admit I tried 3 or 4 more jumps, then quit.

I'm not gonna say I'm never going to jump rope again.  I might try when I am thinner.  Heehee!!  For real, though, I do believe adult jump ropes should come with a warning label that reads, "Warning: Handle with care if you feel like a whale and/or have reached puberty since last attempt."  Anyway, I feel like going back to the WW website and being like "no that's a bad idea" about the whole jump rope part.  However, if I did, I know they'd reply with something like "what you do know about fitness?  You just sit in a chair all day and talk to people for a living!"  So, I'll refrain for now, and keep my rants to myself...on my blog.   :)

Rebirth

So, I got this book the other day by my favorite author, Steven James.  It's called A Heart Exposed, and it's basically a book filled with prayers.  Truthfully, I ordered it because it was a bargain price of around $5.  When I started flipping through it, my first thought was "why on earth did I get this?  I'm not Catholic, so why do I need a book of prayers?"  Ha!  However, when I actually started reading it, the words of each prayer have seriously touched my soul and given me more insight into how the reflection of my own heart must look to God based on my prayer life.  Amazing!!

What I find today is the deep significance of the metaphor Christians use of being "born again".  I've never given it a second look....reborn, born again, blah blah blah.  Yeah, yeah, I'm saved.  In fact, I've been known to joke about it to my friends a time or two.  But, today is different.  When I sit and ponder, I find myself developing a new attention to the phrase "born again".  Going through childbirth myself, I now see why this comparison is used.  James writes "We are so deeply asleep, so deeply dead that if we're ever going to wake up, ever going to be born again, we need you to prod us where it hurts."  Birth is a painful and yet beautiful process.  It's ugly, irritating, confusing, repulsive, and it's feeling like your entire body is going to explode while pushing this new life out of a tiny hole.  We, as women, continue through the excruciating pain, the tears, the intense labor, the messiness, the horrific process, because when it's all finished, we know the beautiful life that awaits us.  So beautiful that we cannot describe in words.  When the new life is born, it changes us forever for the better, and so we persist through the pain to get to the "reward."  Wow!!  Now I get it!!  In fact, I get it 2 or 3 different ways:

1.  This is what it means to be "born again" in Christ.  Jesus birthed us.  He went through the ugliness, the horrid process, the ultimate pain, to get us.  It's insane to think that He did that for me...that He thought I was worth it.  I absolutely believe my kids are worth all the pain I went through to get them here.  No doubt.  But, the fact that God sent His son to go through that process for me?  A dirty sinner?  I seriously can't comprehend it.  What a humbling revelation...

2.  Babies depend on their caregiver for everything!!  So, when we go through the process of being "born again", this is what is expected of us, too....to depend on God to meet ALL our needs.  Babies know they'll be taken care of, and they are relying on mere humans.  How much more should we rely on God?  Most of us just accept the gift of salvation (being born again), and move straight to the terrible twos of wanting to do everything ourselves, and where listening to authority is a foreign concept.  Not only does this rob God of our infant phase, the phase that most new mothers treasure the most because of the purity and simpleness of it, and getting to know the new life and all the wonders, sweetness, and preciousness of it growing, but it also robs us of the opportunity for God to begin teaching us from the get-go!  I am regularly guilty of acting toward God how my two year old acts toward me....not listening, defying, and wanting to control everything.

3.  The final thing that comes to mind when I think of being reborn, is that it can be a complicated process from my end, too.  As in normal childbirth, it can be painful for the baby to go through the process as well.  Sometimes babies come out red, with coneheads, with fetal distress, learning how to breathe on their own, bright lighting, etc.  We don't really know exactly how painful it is to a newborn because they can't tell us, but now that I think about it, I can only imagine.  Becoming a Christian is that way, too.  It's difficult, and    painful, and complicated.  It's leaving the security of our old life (the womb), and traveling into the unknown with the trust that we're still going to be taken care of....even after the birthing process is over.  It'd be easier, sure, to stay in the womb, but then we'd only experience life from that perspective.  Oh, how much beauty is awaiting for those that leave the womb, and enter this new life!!

James finally notes "Guide me toward my new birth, and end this stillborn life."  Hmmm....that's what I want. I don't want to feel dead.  As a "born again" Christian, I don't want Christ to suffer for me and get nothing from me in return.  I don't want Him to feel the pain and loss that I felt when I had my stillborn children.  It was the most devastating thing I have ever experienced.  That being said, if I commit to Christ, and He goes to hell and back for me, then I end up spiritually "dead" (or apathetic) upon being reborn, I am intentionally inflicting upon God the most horrific thing I have experienced personally.  Why would I do that?  And yet, I find myself in these states more than periodically.  It's nuts.  I AM reborn, and I need to start living as if I am.

Our Diamond in the Rough

Well, well, well. Where do we start on explaining our journey? If you know anything about our family, you know that our oldest daughter, Paisley, has autism. Many of you have walked through this long, challenging, and tiring journey with us, and for that....words cannot express our heartfelt gratitude toward you. We are truly blessed by your support. However, for those of you just getting acquainted with our family, I'll try to share our story without being too verbose or completely boring you to death. So, here it is:

On March 19, 2007, Paisley Rene' Hart was born. She entered the world and we were all amazed. She was absolutely beautiful!! The first few days out of the hospital were a little crazy, as we were first time parents and didn't have a clue what we were doing. We brought Paisley home and didn't sleep for the next 3 nights terrified that something would happen and she'd quit breathing. Most parents probably feel this way. We had lost twin boys due to pre-term labor the year before, so we were especially sensitive to every little sound and movement Pais made.

As time went on, Paisley proved to be a very laid back baby. She was always very sweet and ready to eat! The first odd thing I noticed about her was that she didn't really smile or coo all that much. She also never wanted to be put down or sleep by herself. People would say she was spoiled and to "just let her cry it out", but thank GOD I didn't listen to that in hindsight. As time went on, little things that Paisley was developmentally behind in (like not holding her bottle herself, not tracking movement, etc), began to bother me more and more, and I felt like I could no longer ignore it, or rationalize it away (like saying "oh, she's just a born 'diva', or she's gonna be a leader and not a follower!"). However, up to this point, I really didn't want to admit anything was wrong with MY child. Afterall, I knew she was brilliant, so who cares if she was a little different?

When Paisley was about 18 months old, we decided to take a trip to visit my good friend and her kiddos. One was about 4 or so, and the other just a few months younger than Pais. While there, Sarah and I chatted on and on. I shared my concerns that Pais was a little behind, but she tried to reassure me that Paisley was fine, and that John was probably doing more because of his sibling (even though I also sensed a hint of concern in her voice). However, on that same trip, I watched the kids play, and I started getting a very weird feeling, because not only was Paisley not making any attempt to communicate, but she also did not imitate anything the boys did. I remember thinking to myself, "no, she can't be autistic....she just can't....she's WAY too loving and affectionate!" A few months after that, we went to church, and were called out AGAIN because Paisley would not calm down after being left (to the point she'd get sick about it), and we came home feeling upset and defeated...AGAIN (which had become a fairly normal result of going to church for us). This was the major turning point about putting our foot down and getting some real help. We'd gotten some intervention by now with ECI and speech therapy, but we needed more as we were seeing no results.

Fast-forward through lots of tears shed, lots of cruel, harsh comments about our parenting skills, lots of different doctors with lots of different opinions, a confirmed diagnosis of autism via genetic, neurological, and neuropsychological testing, and a PET scan we traveled all the way to Detroit, MI for, and here we are today! It has been a ROUGH few years. We have gone upside down and back to figure out how to help Paisley, and we've pretty much had to do it on our own because we live in a rural area where health professionals are severely lacking in this area of expertise.

Currently, each week Paisley goes to Dallas Mon-Wed for ABA therapy. Michael and I take turns going with her, and whoever's week it is to go, we stay in an apartment close to the school. You can imagine all the strains (financially, emotionally, socially, etc) it puts on our family, but it is SO worth it since we're seeing such great results. Thur and Fri she goes to PPCD half a day and Pre-K half a day in Mt.Vernon schools where she receives speech and OT services during the school hours. To date, Paisley has made huge strides in her social skills and interaction, has learned how to request for some things that she needs, and is a genius on the iPad. :) She is still very limited in her language and communication, but is making slow progress. She is a loving and affectionate little girl, loves to play with her sister, likes anything that comes in sets of 5, and enjoys working with anything that is technical or computerized. She still has major sensory issues and transitional issues that we are trying to deal with daily, but we're down to very few meltdowns. We keep a very structured routine, because Paisley does best (and Claire, too), when she knows exactly what to expect.

Although we are seeing promising results, no one case of autism is the same. We have seen children that are faring tremendously better than Pais with fewer interventions, and we see children that are in 40+ hrs a week of therapy and see fewer results than we are experiencing. However, all of us that are affected by the spectrum have an unspoken bond. We all know that we're not alone. Each of us feel each other's pain, we all know the emotional struggles, the days we want to stay in denial, the days that we don't want to get out of bed and face the autism again, the financial pressures, the guilt of feeling as if we're not doing enough, the truth of knowing we have an amazing kid that needs to be "unlocked" but few others see that potential, and the judgmental and harsh stares and comments that outsiders make at grocery stores, etc, because they don't know the situation. So, this is why we are walking this year for Autism Speaks. Not just for Paisley, but for all the families we know that struggle on a daily basis. Some have it better, some have it worse, but it's all the same....the battle of autism. I also want to walk for the future. I want answers....for us, and for those to come. I am normally a private person, but wanted to share our story in the hope that it, too, can help make a difference. Thank you for reading!! :)

If you'd like to know more about Autism Speaks, you can click on the link below! If you'd like to join our walking team or donate, just type my name in the walker box, or type the name "Peeps for Pais" in the team box!!

www.walknowforautismspeaks.org

Thoughts on Raising $$$

I've decided to do something that is so "not me"....(well, on top of this whole blog adventure). I've decided to sign up for the Walk Now for Autism Speaks event in October. This event is to help raise funds for autism research and awareness. When my grandmother passed away a few weeks ago, in lieu of flowers she had people donate to this organization. I thought "Wow! What a great thing to do! I should really do something now to help like this." The problem is....I have NEVER been good at asking for help OR money. It's just not me. I always feel bad or guilty...like 'oh, people have their own issues and struggles...the last thing they need is someone pressuring them into giving their hard-earned $$ for something else'. I'm sure that's just a mask of my own insecurity due to the fact that I've just never been good at selling myself. In fact, I have my own private practice, and I am horrible about marketing and advertising. I am an "AVOID ALL TYPES OF CONFRONTATION UNLESS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY" kind of gal. I've gotten better since I married Michael because he openly welcomes confrontation regularly. But, I'm still not comfortable with it...and there's a part of selling yourself when trying to raise money whether it be for charity or a trip to the Bahamas. You've gotta be convincing. I've actually been thinking about doing the Walk for a couple of years (since we found out that Paisley has autism), but have never taken the first step. So, I start thinking "What am I afraid of? What's keeping me from it?" The answer is.....fear of failure. I work with clients daily on how to overcome the fear of failure and I know it's not an easy task, but can definitely be accomplished. Realistically, who cares if I don't raise a dime??? At least I tried...and one day I can look at both of my girls and say that I did something to actively help people come together to learn more about autism and maybe even work toward a good plan to cure and/or manage it better. The good Lord knows we need more answers and a better plan in our family, so I know there are thousands of others in the same situation! I am excited for the opportunity!! I've already recruited a few people and plan to recruit several more. Hopefully by Oct, we'll have met our goal....but in the end....if we don't, who cares?? At least we tried, and that's better than just thinking about trying!!


UPDATE  (9/23/12):  Our Walk Now for Autism Speaks team (Peeps for Pais) has raised more than $2000 for the cause, and we still have one month to go until the Walk takes place!!  That's twice the amount of our original goal set!  Yay!!! :)

Here Goes Nothing

Hello All!! Well, this is my first attempt at blogging. Quite frankly, I like the idea of it, but I have never given in to the bandwagon for many reasons. 1. Time--I'm always thinking I should be doing something more productive with my time....like making clothes for the kids, spending more time with the kids (although they're usually pushing me away because they don't want to play with me... :(....), cleaning, reading the Bible, etc. You know, stuff that everyone "should" be doing more of. 2. Facades--I don't want to appear to be anything more than who I truly am. We have a great life---it's a complicated life with a 2 yr old and soon to be 5 yr old with special needs---but it's good, and we are very blessed. But, we do have real problems and everyday issues, and that's boring. I knew I would be tempted to try to "jazz it up", and that wouldn't be fair to my people (kids and hubby), because I love them just for being them. Nor would it be fair to God, because I really am blessed in even the simplest things. So, if you're reading this...beware....I want to warn you there will be nothing super or fantastic that you will learn from this blog. Ha! 3. (And the biggest reason for the boycott on blogs thus far...) I HATE the word blog. In fact, I have only used the word about three times ever in real life because I just hate saying it. I guess I will need to kick this aversion now that I am on the bandwagon, but it'll be awhile before I'm completely desensitized to it!

So......why go forward with starting a blog?? Mainly because of the simple fact that my sister thought it would be fun for me. That's right. She can talk me into just about anything (the little punk!). I hope I don't regret it, but if I do, it'll be like #472 on the list of things I regret, so who cares? If you've made it this far, thank you for bearing with me!