As you can imagine, it was easy enough to pick a major, stick to it, and focus on the goal of finishing college. Now, I can see how huge of a blessing that was to have such focus back then. I just thought everyone kind of already knew what they were to be. I realize now that I was in the minority. My life took a few unexpected turns during the process...I initially started out at Howard Payne University, got engaged, broke the engagement (thank God for that one!!!), and ended up at Ouachita Baptist University. I could say that I wish I had just been able to pick the "right" college for myself from the get-go, but that would be unfair. I have met some of the dearest and most wonderful people in my life from both institutions. I was incredibly blessed by my college experience, and yet, incredibly naive, due to those blessings! Ha! :)
It didn't take long to be in a public education setting (UT-Tyler) to shatter my little illusion of people being wonderful, kind, etc. I can think of 1 or 2 professors that I really enjoyed from that place, but most of the time I hated school...and by the end of my 60 hr course, I was almost convinced I didn't really want to be a counselor at all. Again, no regrets, because I met some of my dearest friends there, too. I also learned the art of pulling together in the midst of extreme stress from post-grad experiences. If I didn't have my friends/colleagues from UTT as such an awesome support network, I seriously would've given up. Who needs Guantanamo Bay?? Just leave the terrorists to the antics of Dr. Mears and Dr. Love and I guarantee you...they will crack. I applied at several different places upon graduation that were counseling-related, despite my reluctance to pursue this type of career. I actually ended up in a small private practice environment accumulating internship hours (3000---omg!) with a quirky little LPC Supervisor that had an extremely dry sense of humor. It was a pretty good match, even though I thought I'd die before I got all those hours in! I understand now why it took me forever to accrue those hours, and why I was placed there instead of a 40hr week treatment/MHMR setting. I cannot imagine doing anything else and still be able to give Paisley the help she needs without the flexible schedule.
Fast forward several years, and I am still in private practice, and I really do love it. It is my passion, and other than being a stay-at-home mom, I can't imagine doing anything else. It's perfect. I schedule clients when I can, take off when I need to, have the flexibility of traveling back and forth to Dallas, and get to do what I feel like I'm supposed to do. For the most part, I feel extremely blessed to have the opportunity to go to work everyday for myself and get paid to do what I enjoy doing--helping people.
SOOOO.....why am I feeling so frustrated lately? Why do I just want to rip into apathetic, disrespectful, and selfish people? Why do I wake up in the mornings that I have to go to work and just want to scream my head off? What on earth is my problem??? One word: BURNOUT. I've been thinking about it all summer, and I feel ridiculous even stating that I am burned out. After all, I'm not even there full-time, and it's not that bad once I get there...and I enjoy the people that I work with. In the past few weeks, I've come to realize it's not the job, per se, it's the circumstances of the job. It's how managed care has reared it's ugly head, it's how people's thoughtless ways of no-showing directly impact my pocketbook, and really it's just the frustration of give, give, give, and never knowing the outcome of the process. I really don't want a pat on the back; I have never been one to search for recognition. Honestly, I just want my work to reflect and glorify God, and bring Him satisfaction....because other than that, what's the point? Lately, it has not even been close to that. I have been bitter about people taking advantage of "the system", bitter about trying to teach parents how to work with their children and help them, all the while the parents are texting on their cell phones not paying any mind to what I say, annoyed with people that complain about how they have no food for themselves or their children, yet have perfectly manicured and pedicured nails, have nicer phones than myself, etc. GRR!! Ummm....yeah, can you see why my attitude has not necessarily glorified God in my work lately??
That brings me to today. Today, I had 8 people scheduled on the books. My husband dropped my daughter off for her first day of kindergarten. I missed it because I went to work. I saw a total of 3 out of 8 people. All of my clients after 1:00 either no showed or late cancelled...with my last client being at 5:00...who no showed. Because I was trying to "be there" for someone else...that obviously feels their life and time is WAY more important than mine and can't take 5 seconds to make a mere phone call, I missed being able to pick my daughter up from her first day of kindergarten. Pointless. I'm just so tired of it. What a waste of time and energy. Energy that could be expended doing important things...like picking up Paisley from school on her first official day. I feel sad, angry, disappointed, and frustrated. Oh, and let's not forget that if people don't show up, I don't get paid. That's the curse of having a private practice. So when I mean wasted time, that's exactly what it was....I will not get reimbursed for the time I set aside special for the clients because they ASKED for my help, and I was willing to oblige, and then they totally just blew it off. So, here I am at 2:00 A.M. still ranting about it in my mind and asking God how much longer He'd have me deal with this crap because I am tired of humans. Actually, I am sick to death of them.
His reply: Isaiah 50:4 "The Soverign LORD has given me his words of wisdom, so that I know how to comfort the weary. Morning by morning He wakens me and opens my understanding to His will." (NLT). Well, there I have it. Double dang. I'm stuck here for awhile. But you know what? I honestly don't want to give up. I really do want to get back to that passion of serving God and serving people through my work. However, people make it very difficult. ;) I do find it humbling that God has put me in this position. I often feel completely unequipped, unsure, and unglued. But, maybe part of avoiding burnout is just the reassurance that God really does have me where He wants me for now. There are ups and downs to every job....and I can deal with that, but when it feels like the down is significantly more than the up, it becomes confusing and complicated to remain at peace with what you're doing. In effect, I brought this point to God through my seeking tonight, and was quickly reminded that a lot of times I've "no-showed" on Him. Many times I've not been paying attention when He's trying to teach me something important. More often than I'd like to admit, I've been arrogant and selfish; in return, God has been patient. The moral of this little "story"---I will continue to be a counselor until God tells me different. And, I will choose to be content about it and hope that God will continue to choose me (albeit completely undeserving) to help further His work. I am definitely pleased with my gift of discernment. It has served me well in life. On good days, I do enjoy passing it along to clients. The gift of hospitality, on the other hand...severely lacking in that area. ;)
So from now on, when I have days like this and feel completely discouraged and agitated with people, I will try to remember these things before I get to the "want-to-go-postal-and-spit-fire-at-all-mankind" point. I will refer back to the Old Testament and thank God that I didn't get Jeremiah's job. Now that dude had a bad time with people and their lack of listening skills. Heehee!! ;)
