So, today is March 3rd. It's been on my mind a lot lately that around this time last year, I lost my maternal grandmother (we called her "Mimi"). She was the first grandparent of mine that died, and I honestly just didn't know how to deal with it. Little did I know in the coming months that I'd lose my paternal grandmother, too. You see, I was fortunate enough to have great grandparents still living well into my late teens/early twenties, so it seemed very odd to me that my Mimi would go to be with the Lord this soon. Logically, I knew that many of my friends were doing well to have both parents living, and that having all of my grandparents was a VERY uncommon treat. Mimi had several health problems off and on, but to my knowledge had either conquered or maintained them all. It was an unbelievable shock that she regressed so quickly to the point of death.
When I think of my one of my last memories of my Mimi, I think about one time that we visited her in the hospital. She looked worn and tired. I had dropped Pais off at her ABA school in Dallas and Claire and I headed to the hospital. We stayed there for a little while, but only got to see her a few minutes. She was beside herself with Claire. She asked about my work, how Paisley was doing...wanting specifics of what she had accomplished to date, and how we were doing as a family. At some point the doctor walked in and gave a disappointing prognosis, but she didn't seem to be too disappointed. She was WAY too busy showing off Claire and was so proud of how the doctor was doting on her. She was completely taken with the situation, and her face just beamed with pride. The next time we went to visit at the hospital was not so lucky. It was not long after this time that she passed away in her home. I am so thankful she had those moments with Claire and I am thankful that she got to meet my sweet nephew before she died. I wasn't there, but I know she just ate that moment up!!
If I had one regret about Mimi passing on, I soooo wished that she could've gotten to see Paisley, too. You see, she was proud of Pais. She truly believed in her and cherished her for who she was, and for an elderly person, never once appeared bothered by the odd mannerisms (aka the autism) that Paisley displayed. She was eager to learn everything she could about autism, and never once treated her any different than a normal kid. That means more to me than words can express. I wish I would've just taken Pais out of school and took both girls to see her. Mimi would've LOVED that. However, I was so afraid that Paisley would cause a scene or have an "episode" and I didn't want to have to mess with it. So, because of my own embarrassment, I chose not to....even though Mimi was one of the few people who didn't have a care in the world about how others saw Paisley. I forfeited her that joy because I was selfish, and for that I am extremely remorseful.
The thing I miss the most about my Mimi is her bragging on me. That's weird, isn't it??? I still occasionally look for her comments on FB because she was one of my biggest cheerleaders, and never missed an opportunity to lift me up. No matter what, she was always proud of me. Everybody on this planet needs someone who is proud of them. She was proud of my academics, proud of my career, proud of my spiritual walk, and proud of my children. With both of my grandmothers being gone, I will never feel that sense of someone (other than my parents) offering that much support for the rest of my life. It leaves a huge empty hole in my being. I was certain that Mimi always had my back on anything and everything. She even drove all the way to Little Rock, AR, to stay with me in the hospital for a few days when I had my car accident. I still have my great granny (my Mimi's mother) who is still living, and I know that she is proud as well, but I don't get to see her often. When she is gone, I am not sure how I will cope. Some of you reading this may think I am silly for putting such great stock into this aspect of missing someone, but confidence has never been my strong point. I guess I used Mimi's pride in me as sort of compensation for the lack of confidence in myself. At times, I find myself sewing away on clothing, or doing crafts with the kiddos (I got all of her crafty stuff she left behind), or looking through photos just to feel close to her again, or at least to feel like I might be making her proud still in doing these things.
I am thankful for Mimi's legacy-- her creativity, her "bad-ass" attitude, her unfailing and unwavering support of my children and me, her craving for education and knowledge, her constant encouragement to "just be yourself because that's good enough for me", her physical presence at every important event I've ever had, and her ability to paint her fingernails in such a way that it looked professional--every dang time!! Talent! I miss her. Dearly.
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